Behind Closed Doors
by TwinkLoverXO
Summary: The relationship isn't right. Nobody would accept it. So it has to be kept a secret. Darry/Pony Curtiscest. ON HIATUS. Might not continue. Sorry, guys x x
1. Chapter 1

'Ight, guys. (Haha. Who says that anymore? XD) Anyways, this was a request from adorabletheodore, and I was originally just going to make it a oneshot. But I really liked the idea, and the pairing, so I think I'll keep it going... By the way, this fic is in Ponyboy's POV, probably throughout.

...IF I get reviews. I'm serious, guys. No reviews, no updates. It's as simple as that. I'm only motivated to write if I'm getting good feedback. Even when people just favorite my fic, it irks me to not get reviews. XD Haha. So please, if you want to see this continued, send me feedback. It keeps me going. :)

I don't own the Outsiders. Warnings: slash and incest. NO FLAMES. Seriously, folks. Don't like the pairing? Click the little 'x' in the top right-hand corner of your screen. Not that hard, folks. Anyways... here's Behind Closed Doors.

* * *

I sighed, pushing away my math book and slumping down in my chair. I wanted to go downstairs and watch television with Sodapop, instead of doing my homework. But Darry had been in a terrible mood when he came home. He'd sank down in the couch and grumbled for me to go do my homework if I "wanted to live to see 10th grade." What bugged me the most was how nice he always was to Soda, when he constantly pushed me away. I wanted to sock my happy-go-lucky, gorgeous brother when I heard him laughing from the livingroom. Why did he get to sit with Darry and be happy?

"Ponyboy!" Darry called from down the hall. He was all alone in there with Sodapop. He liked Sodapop. For some reason, the thought of Darry being closer with him made me green with envy. Why was I so jealous of Soda? Most of the time, it wasn't his looks; except when I caught Darry staring idly at him. That made me jealous. But why? I didn't really know. I also didn't know how to explain the multiple mind-blowing dreams I'd had about Darry. I told myself that I couldn't control my dreams; besides, I was fourteen. I was bound to have some wacky hormones.

"What, Darry?" I shouted back, with more than just a bit of an edge to my voice.

"Done yet?" He sounded annoyed. Why did Darry always have a problem with _me_? What about Soda? Was he a saint; could he do no wrong? I glanced at the clock; 9:46. I'd been procrastinating longer than I thought. When Soda got home around 4:00, we'd made and ate dinner together and then goofed off until Darry got home. I guess this sort of _was_ my fault; I should have started my homework a long time ago. I heard footsteps in the hall and then Darry was leaning against the doorway looking tired as hell.

"Not yet," I mumbled, not wanting to look him in the eye.

"For Pete's sake, Ponyboy! Couldn't you have started earlier?" he scolded, and it was like everything he'd ever bugged me about weighed on me until I exploded. I stood up so abruptly that the legs of the chair I'd been sitting in screeched against the floor and finally the chair tumbled down. I whirled around to face Darry, my hands balled into fists. I was so out of control that I don't think I could have stopped myself if I tried.

"What the hell do you want from me? I'm doing by best, Darry! Damn it! How come you never get mad at Soda, huh? Am I just the problem child? Why don't you just fucking get rid of me... it'd be easier on you." I felt tears prickling at my eyes, and then in no time, my chest was heaving and I was bawling. I sank to my knees and burried my face in my hands, scared to death of what Darry would do to me for yelling like that. _He'll resent me even more_, I reasoned. But then I relt a hand on my back and I was pulled into Darry's hard, toned chest. I buried my face up against him; he smelled faintly of cologne, and for some reason that made me feel secure.

"Shh... calm down, baby," he whispered, rubbing my back. I awkwardly wrapped my arms around my older brother, feeling like such a stranger. Finally I felt Darry lift and carry me bridal style; to where, I didn't know, because my face was still buried in the front of his black shirt. I heard his heart pounding and felt his muscles tense around me, and suddenly I felt electricity; you know the kind I mean. The kind you hear about in a sappy romance novel, when the two characters who've been secretly in love throughout finally kiss. Sparks. That kind of thing.

When I finally felt Darry sit down, I cracked open one eye and looked around. We were in Darry's room.

"Lay down, little brother," Darry ordered, but in a soft tone. Wide-eyed an red in the face, I leaned back onto Darry's pillow and looked up at him. His eyes darted back and forth, as if he was trying to figure out what to say to me. "You okay?" he finally asked, eyes still searching. They didn't look so cold; he actually looked concerned and maybe even a little bit... hurt?

"I'm fine," I squeaked, feeling my cheeks grow hot at the sound of my voice cracking. Darry didn't look convinced.

"Would you mind sleeping here? I'm kind of worried about you," Darry said softly, which was rare for him. My heart started pounding, for some reason, at the prospect of sharing a bed with Darry. _I'd love to..._

"Yeah, okay," I whispered, crawling under the sheets.

"And you're sure there's nothing you need to tell me about?" Darry didn't budge from his spot on the edge of the mattress. _Just that I get adrenaline rushes when you hold me..._

I nodded, biting my lip.


	2. Chapter 2

Wow, you guys! Thanks for the feedback. :]] Love you all!

So I'm definitely going to try to continue this, because I love Curtiscest pairings. Hope you guys aren't _too_ creeped out; because it'll only get more graphic from here. :P Here's chapter 2! Disclaimer: I don't own the Outsiders.

By the way... review. Seriously.

* * *

I had the toughest time sleeping that night. Darry may not seem like much of a hugger, but when he's asleep, his guard goes completely down. Within five minutes of laying there in the dark, my big brother was out cold and tucking close to me. There was that adrenaline rush again.

This all felt so bizarre. Darry'd never really expressed his feelings through physical contact, even when we were younger. I have a vague memory of when I was five years old, probably the first time I'd ever really been hurt.

I had been playing in the driveway with Soda and Darry. Mom was in the kitchen scouring the counters of the messes we'd commonly made. Somehow, Soda and I had started running full-speed down the sidewalk; probably racing. We clawed, scratched, and screamed at each other, until Soda ended up elbowing me. I was knocked off balance and fell forward, falling on solid concrete face-first. I was hurt mostly in my chin, so I don't really have any scars, but I'll always remember the absolutely splitting pain when I hit the ground.  
I'd bawled and bawled, wanting nothing more than to be comforted. Soda was so unnerved that he just stood there for a moment, mouth hanging ajar. He was only seven. But then he suddenly starting crying and flailing himself, and started at full speed back up our drive way to go get my mom. Darry scrambled over to me to see if I was okay. I stared up at him, sniffling and wailing, wanting nothing more than a simple hug. Darry's icy eyes held nothing but confusion and a hint of impatience, and soon he was hauling me to my feet and dragging me toward the house. I'd never forget that day; the day I learned just how insensitive my big brother was.

So it definitely felt abnormal to be enveloped in Darry's ripped, muscled arms, my face resting in the crook of his neck. Sometimes I felt like he didn't have any feelings. But I couldn't help but to be in awe of his sheer brawn. Darry was so strong; physically and emotionally. He held up through everything; from mom and dad dying last year, to our basement flooding and all of our old photo albums being ruined, to Soda dropping out of school, to being forced into two jobs. Darry was tuff. And there was something just so racy about the way his muscles moved; the glistening beads of sweat on his chest when he worked on roofs. Forget Soda; Darry was the real looker. Soda was... well, pretty. Darry was, to me, the picture of masculinity.

And sometimes I found myself unconsciously following Darry with my eyes as he plodded into the bathroom to take a shower after a long day of roofing houses. I wondered what he looked like underneath those old Levis that he'd had for as long as I could remember, or what those incredible muscles looked like, tensing and untensing, in the midst of the steam from a sweltering shower.

I tried to forget the times that I'd wandered into the bathroom in the middle of the night when nobody else was awake, making sure to lock the door, so I could finally just set myself free with endless fantasies of my older brother.

Nobody knew me. Sure, people talked to me and spent time with me, and I did socialize, but nobody knew the real me; the one who was in love with a guy, with Darry. Nobody knew me. And the ironic part was that they all thought that I couldn't keep a secret; that they knew me so well.

So I just snuggled up to Darry, knowing that I probably wouldn't be able to do this again. He was worried about me. At least that meant that he cared.

I liked the way my face tucked neatly up against Darry's neck. It made me feel like I was meant to be there; like it kind of fit. I nearly melted when I heard him utter a deep sigh, feeling his neck vibrate slightly. I laid a pedal soft kiss to his slightly clammy skin, relishing the electric sensation I felt on my lips. It happened whenever I was near Darry. This was way past bizarre.

I usually found it way easier to just pretend I didn't feel this way. It was less complicated to be jealous of Soda; much more practical.

* * *

I woke up to Darry kneeling in front of me and saying, "Pony, it's time to get up."

I was dilirious, I had just woken up, and the devilishly sensual picture of my brother's sculpted chest in a thin undershirt was directly in front of me; a recipe for disaster. Without thinking, I whimpered and fisted the front of his shirt, bringing him toward me. I buried my face in his chest.

"Mmm..." I breathed, perfectly content.

"Aww, come on, Pony," Darry said hastily, grabbing my wrist in an attempt to escape from my grip.

"You look great in that shirt..." I whispered, then came to my senses and pulled away, rolling over in the bed to avoid looking at Darry. He chuckled, sounding flustered and awkward.

"Thanks, little brother. Now get your ass out of bed," he muttered, pulling the blankets off of me and leaving the room.

When I got to school, I realized that I'd forgotten my English assignment on the desk in my room; the assignment I'd spent hours doing while Soda got to spent time with Darry. I was immediately fuming. But during English when I told Mrs. Firestone that I didn't have the homework, she informed me with a bit of a smirk in her voice that this was my third missing assignment, which meant a detention. Which meant that Darry would go balistic.


	3. Chapter 3

Wow... this took WAY longer than it should have. Hehe. Sorry, you guys. I would give you a sob story, but nobody wants to hear it. XD

So maybe I'll just get on with chapter 3? Oh, I think so.

I don't own anything. Warning: This chapter is a little dirtier than the others. ;]]

* * *

I peeked through the front window from the porch to see who was there. Just Darry, sitting all alone on the couch, next to the phone. As if he was waiting for somebody to call.

I dragged my feet toward the front door, scared as hell over how Darry would take this detention. The social workers would probably hear about it. I sighed, finally deciding to just get it over with and open the door already. I turned the knob slowly and pushed, cringing at the loud creak.

"Hey, Darry," I mumbled, dropping my backpack heavily on the floor next to the coffee table. Darry looked up, but I could tell that he wasn't all there. He was thinking about somethng...

"Hey, kiddo," he finally answered. "How's the homework situation?"

I laughed nervously. "Funny you should mention homework... because, well..." My cheeks flushed, and I really was about to tell Darry about the detention Mrs. Firestone had given me, but then the phone rang and Darry picked it up right away.

"Hello?" he greeted, sounding nervous and expectant. I sighed in relief, my shoulders slumping slightly. "Oh, don't worry, it's no problem..." my brother assured whoever was on the other line, in a more friendly voice than usual. "Of course. I understand. Well, how about... Saturday?"

I had been wandering into the kitchen to get something to eat, but when I heard that last bit, my ears perked up. I tiptoed over to the doorway and kept quiet to hear what Darry was saying to the mysterious caller.

"Sounds great," he grinned, in honest-to-goodness happiness. "I can't wait. Take care." Darry hung up the phone as I was walking in and stared into space with a dreamy look in his eyes. Now _that_ was a look I didn't see him wear often.

"Who was that?" I asked carefully, not sure if it was one of those things that I wasn't allowed to know about.

"Oh, just... a girl," Darry smiled sheepishly. My heart sank.

"Oh?" I asked, with a certain dullness to my voice.

"Yeah," he sighed. "I have a date. This Saturday."

* * *

I fell into a fitful sleep a little after 10:00 that night, but then woke back up at around 1:00. My mind was wandering to a certain dark-haired looker who was fast asleep just down the hall. He had a _date_? Darry? Dating? It felt so foreign. The last time he'd been on a date was... well, when he was in the 10th grade. And even_ then,_ he hadn't dated much. In his junior and senior years, Darry had spent most of his time on sports. But I remembered him having a few one-night stands.

I couldn't get to sleep. I tried squeezing my eyes shut, forcing my head against the pillow... but nothing seemed to work.

So I daydreamed. I thought about Darry's bulging muscles and his masculine, angled jawline. I started to pitch a tent when I pictured what his face looked like when he jacked off...

I groaned, angry at myself for allowing my imagination to get the better of me. Glancing behind me to make sure that Soda was still asleep, I let my fingers inch their way down to my boxers.

Soda was sound asleep, his mouth hanging open. I let myself relax. _He'll never know_, I reasoned. I slowly ran a hand over my dick, arching and gasping at how amazing the contact felt.

_Think of Darry's abs. Think of his arms and his chest and his..._ I had to pull my hand away to keep from exploding. I didn't want to get the bed all wet and sticky. That'd be way too embarrassing.

I slipped out of the bed and tiptoed into the bathroom, not having the nerve to peek in Darry's room first. I decided that this couldn't wait; I needed to cum _right now._

As soon as I made it into the bathroom, I shut and locked the door, then flipped on the light. I leaned against the wall, pulling my boxers all the way down. The fabric rubbed against me and I let out a sigh. I began pulling and tugging, not at all holding back. My knees went weak. I hadn't done this in a while, so I had quite a bit of tension built up. At that moment, I wanted Darry more than I'd ever wanted him in my life. Just the thought of him practically made me salivate. I would have done absolutely anything for him right then. I craved him; _needed_ him.

"Fuck..." I whispered harshly, getting real close to the edge. I wobbled over to the bathtub so I wouldn't make a mess of the floor, and finally I came. I threw back my head, breathing harshly. I stayed like that for a while, still very unsteady from such an intense orgasm. I didn't want to go back to sleep. I wanted to go wake Darry up and beg him to screw me. But no.

_Remember, Ponyboy?_ an annoying voice in my head taunted me. _He has a date. He's not a faggot._

I shook my head. Turning the ceiling light off, I wandered back into my bedroom. _Sweet dreams._

_-----------------------_

A/N: Sorry it's so short, guys. Anyways... R&R!! :]

By the way... I'M GOING SHOPPING TOMORROW! Maybe it'll put me in such a good mood that I'll write chapter 4.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey, guys!! ^_^ Sorry I haven't updated in so long!! =/  
**

**Thanks to everyone for all the reviews!! They really keep me going! Umm.. this chapter is... nice. ;] haha. I think you're gonna love it. Enjoy, guys!! And review or I won't be motivated to update. xD  
**

**I own nothing.**

* * *

I felt like an idiot. I'd been waiting by the window for the past half hour, just waiting for Darry for to come home. He said he'd be back by ten, no later, and now it was 10:33. But I just couldn't wait. I couldn't stand another minute of staring at our driveway and wishing insanely for _his_ old pickup to pull in.

Him. I completely adored everything about him. I even loved the things about him that I hated, like when he gave Sodapop more attention than me. I _really_ hated that. But do you know what I loved most? Darry's hair, his face, his smell, his body, his beautiful, strong hands... I couldn't get enough of him. Lately I'd been using absolutely every excuse I could contrive to just touch him. I shivered when our knees brushed while watching television in the evening on the couch. And now I couldn't wait any longer. I'd had enough.

I pushed away from my bedroom window, refusing to look at the driveway any longer. I marched right into Darry's bedroom in my ripped jeans and button-up shirt, still completely dressed. I didn't care. I stripped to my boxers and dropped my clothes on the floor. Then I crawled right into Darry's bed.

I don't even know what I was thinking at the time. I guess I wanted to feel close to him. I layed there for who knows how long, staring at the ceiling. I felt unbelievably screwed up. What the fuck was my_ problem_? In love with my brother? If anyone knew about that I'd be skinned alive and then fed to Socs. Or I could be put in an asylum. Because this was crazy. I knew it.

But I didn't feel crazy. My thoughts about my brother were clear as a bell; not insane by any stretch of the imagination. I knew what I wanted. I knew it was wrong. I knew what it would cost me. So how the hell is that crazy?

I began wondering in the back of my mind if I could ever seduce Darry. Maybe it could happen; you never know. Maybe the date wouldn't go well. I rolled my eyes and sighed. Of course it was going well. He was late coming home.

And then I heard it; Darry's pickup truck. It stopped in the driveway and I heard the door being shut. My heart started beating a mile a minute. I was sweating and scared to death of what Darry would think when he saw me in his bed. _He won't mind_, I kept telling myself. _Just say you had a bad dream or something..._

I waited for about five more minutes before the bedroom door was lazily swung open and Darry's flawless, chiseled silhouette appeared in the room. I heard footsteps lead toward the closet and Darry stripped down; unbuttoning his dress shirt, pulling off that belt, and finally working the buttons of his pants. But then he stopped. It was eerily silent in his bedroom; the only thing I could hear was my own breathing. I guess Darry must have heard it too.

He turned around and took a step toward the bed. "Ponyboy?" I swallowed.

"Yeah, Darry?" I answered. My voice sounded so hoarse. I heard my brother sigh.

"Couldn't sleep?" he asked, finally taking off the pants and folding them. "Well... 'sokay. You can stay here if you need to." I didn't say anything. I just waited patiently for Darry to come to bed.

And damn, was he a hugger. He scooted toward me, wrapped those amazing, muscles arms around my waist and didn't let go. That was just how I wanted it. At first, I couldn't really breathe. I had to assure myself that this was real; that it was actually happening. Then slowly, cautiously, I pushed my ass against Darry's groin. I waited for him to clear his throat loudly or to move away, or even to say something about it, but nothing happened. I could hear his gentle breathing, and it was absolutely hypnotic. Again, I pushed into him.

"Mmm... Pony," Darry uttered softly, sounding half-asleep. I was getting harder by the second. I pushed into Darry and started getting into a nice rhythm.

And then he pushed back. At first it was just slightly; a bit of a nudge from his groin. But soon he was gripping my hips and thrusting. I could feel his erection pressing against my ass. His breathing grew heavier. Somehow I doubted that he was still just half-asleep. This still felt so unbelievable.

With a sudden aggression, Darry turned me around and continued rutting against me. Our cocks rubbed together. The feeling was unreal. This was everything I'd ever daydreamed about and it was actually happening. I could have cried.

"Darry," I moaned, and he pushed into me with a new energy; a new strength. My dick was aching. This was too much. Way too pleasurable. I was going to explode. Without thinking I pushed Darry down so he was laying on his back. I could feel his chest rising and falling; see beads of sweat on his forehead in the moonlight coming from the window. I climbed on top of him and grinded into his groin.

Being with Darry this way gave me a confidence I'd never had. I felt alluring; gorgeous, even. I threw my head back and felt Darry's calloused hands running up and down my neck. I wanted it. I needed it. I wanted to give myself to him. I was in love. I lowered my body so I was laying on his chest. Darry reached down and groped at my ass, and I rubbed my groin against his. I could feel the stubble on his neck, smell his cologne, taste his skin as I nibbled at his jaw.

"Take me," I whispered. It sounded more like a question. I didn't want to think about his date. I wouldn't let myself think about her. She was just a speck on my windshield. I convinced myself that the girl meant nothing to Darry. "Please, Darry. I want to give it to you." I grabbed his hand and intertwined our fingers, hoping desperately that Darry wouldn't choose now to start thinking rationally again.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5, guys. R&R :)  
**

"Please, Darry. I want to give it to you." I grabbed his hand and intertwined our fingers, hoping desperately that Darry wouldn't choose now to start thinking rationally again.

I stared into Darry's eyes in the darkness of his room. I could feel his chest rising and falling quickly beneath me as I waited for his reply. But I didn't hear it. I heard something else.

"Darry!" Soda called. Soon there was the stomping sound of feet on the staircase. "Oh, Da-rry!" I would have found Soda's sing-songy tone humorous, anytime but now. I was shocked and upset and completely pissed. Darry gasped and I crawled off of him so he wouldn't have to push me off.

"Shit," he whispered, scrambling to turn on the tiny lamp on his night stand. The door was pushed open and Soda stood in the doorway with a crazy look in his eye.

"Hey, big brother!" he exclaimed, and jumped into the bed between Darry and me. Everything was happening way too fast. It was as if I couldn't move throughout all of this; I was just sitting there and witnessing everything without being able to do anything about it. For some reason I felt humiliated. I curled up and turned away from Soda and Darry, concentrating on a part of the wall with peeling wallpaper.

"Hey, Sodapop," Darry croaked, sounding suspiciously winded.

"Woah, she left ya breathless, huh? Who is this girl?" Soda laughed. He bounced on the bed and I could hear the springs in Darry's old mattress creak.

"The girl? Oh, Samantha. She's a really sweet girl. I had a great time with her." Darry answered. I rolled over a little and watched Soda look at Darry in shock.

"Well, aren't you a gentleman!" he playfully punched Darry. "Was she hot? How about her jugs, huh? Were they nice 'n big? Did she let you touch 'em?" Darry cleared his throat loudly to shut Soda up.

"Good night, little buddy," he said forcefully. "I'll see you in the morning, all right?" Soda laughed and got off of the bed.

"Okay, Darry. 'Night." he walked into the hallway. The door was open a crack, allowing a slim ray of yellow light from the hallway to highlight the wood of the floor. I swallowed. We were alone again.

"Oh, Ponyboy?" my brother said.

"Yeah?" I asked quietly. I would have done anything for him at that moment. I would have gotten on all fours, allowed Darry to handcuff me, and suck him off until his dick went numb. I hated to admit it, but I was completely at the mercy of him.

"I think you'd better head back to your room, too," Darry answered. My heart sank. My eyes darted nervously across what I could see of his face in the dark.

"Huh?"

"Ponyboy," he said in a voice that left no room for argument. "Now." I nodded, slipping off of the bed and walked slowly toward the door. In the midst of how numb I felt, still not believing that any of this had actually happened, I felt something else. It wasn't quite blind rage; it was more like resentment. That could have happened. _Something_ could have happened.

By the time I got into my bedroom I was shaking with anger. Knowing exactly where everything in my room was located, I walked directly toward my bed with no trouble. I pulled the covers back and climbed into the bed next to Sodapop.

Laying down, I listened to him breathe. For some reason it irked me beyond belief. I found myself pulling my pillow around my head tightly in an attempt to drown out the sound of Soda breathing.

I thought about Darry. What could have happened, but would now never happen.

Fuck Soda.

* * *

The next day was a Sunday. I always hate how Sundays feel; knowing there's school the next day, having that feeling of dreading the start of the week hanging over you.

And this Sunday was especially terrible. I woke up feeling hot and sticky and uncomfortable and kicked all the covers off of me. There was a slight indent in the sheets where Soda had slept the night before.

I got up. I felt wide awake, and I'd woken up less than a minute before. I wandered into the livingroom for lack of having anything else to do. Johnny was on the couch. For a moment I almost smiled.

"Hey, Johnny," I whispered, settling hear him on the couch. Being with Johnny made me realize how much I had to talk. I just had so much to pour out to someone; anyone who was willing to listen. And I knew Johnny would always listen to me.

"Morning, Pony," he replied. Johnny shifted slightly so he was facing me. I watched him read my face; try to figure out what was wrong. He knew something was wrong.

"Where's Soda?" I asked numbly.

"He's got work on Sundays, Pony," Johnny reminded me. I nodded.

"What about Darry?"

"Still sleeping, I think. Least, I haven't seen him up." Johnny looked concerned. My chin quivered and I stared at the coffee table so I wouldn't have to hold eye contact with Johnny when my tears fell. He scooted toward me on the couch and wrapped an arm around me. I reached out and gripped his shirt, pulling it toward my face. I cried into his chest for a while, just leaning into Johnny while he stroked a hand up and down my back. I needed it. I knew he understood me. I knew he'd never think I was a wuss for crying or judge me or even force anything out of me.

"Last night," I started, pulling away a little bit and then laying down on the couch. I rested my head in Johnny's lap. His jeans smelled llke grass. "Something happened between Darry an' me." I wiped at my nose a little bit. "We kind of... we got intimate. It was really weird. But I kinda liked it." Johnny nodded. "I feel like..." fresh tears began welling up in my eyes, "like a fuckin' outcast. Never had a girlfriend and I ain't ever wanted one, either."

"Nothing wrong with that," Johnny said quietly.

"I'm just... I'm not into broads," I shrugged. "Is that weird?" I looked up into Johnny's big black eyes. He shook his head slowly.

"I'm sure there are a lot more people like that than you think."

"I'll live. Thanks for listening, Johnnycake." I slowly stood and wandered into the kitchen.


	6. Chapter 6

**FINALLY I'm updating, guys! xD hahaha! Please give me some reviews! You don't know how I CRAVE them! I have like no motivation without reviews! So if you want me to keep updating this, keep reviewing it :D Hahahah! Anyways, here it is!**

**P.S. Think you're gonna like this chapter... ;)**

* * *

The only thing worse than a Sunday morning is a Sunday night, that's for sure. I spent that Sunday night parked in front of the television with a bowl of cereal, watching the news with Sodapop. And you know what? I still wanted to kill him.

To put it lightly, the day could have been better. For half the day Darry wouldn't stay in the same room as me for all of five seconds, and then when that finally became bearable, he didn't say a word. Soda seemed completely baffled about it. When he asked me if I knew anything, I just shrugged and fidgeted until he finally gave up.  
I guess everything was just... completely ruined. Yeah, that was it.

So there I was; watching the 9 O'clock News with the one person in the world that I was so mad at I couldn't even put it into words.

"Sodapop," I heard Darry yell from his bedroom. I glanced at Soda expectantly and waited for him to answer. He didn't. "Soda!" came the impatient voice again.

"Aren't you gonna answer him?" I asked, now staring at my brother. He finally tore his eyes off of the television.

"What?"

"You busy, little brother?" Darry asked, having come into the livingroom when Soda hadn't answered him.

"Naw, I was going to head to bed," he stood up and stretched. Darry sighed disappointedly.

"I was hopin' you could give me a back-rub," he continued. He stared at Soda with a pained expression, hunched over slightly. I was about to ask him if everything was okay, but stopped myself at the last second. If he wanted to hear from me, I reminded myself, he wouldn't have so obviously avoided me all day.

"Ahhh..." Soda stared at Darry with half-lidded eyes. "You know, I'm really tired, Dar."

"Oh, oh right. That new work schedule," he nodded. "Must really be tiring you out."

There was a long silence. I didn't look at either of my brothers.

"Yeah," Soda said.

"Right, right," Darry sounded passive and disappointed. It made me kind of upset. Before I could stop myself, I piped in; I guess I just cared way too much about him.

"I'll do it."

And again, the room went silent. Soda's face brightened, and he turned to edge his way out of the room. To him, the whole issue had been resolved. If only things were actually that simple.

Darry looked at me, pursed his lips, and opened his mouth to say something when he noticed Soda looking at him.

"What the problem? He's done it before, he's not _that_ terrible at it," Soda smirked. Darry glanced at him.

"Okay. Come here, Pony," he agreed. He beckoned to me and I followed him into his room. I awkwardly pulled the door shut behind me, making sure it didn't make any sort of a 'click' noise when it closed; I didn't want it to be too apparent to him that I was shutting the door behind us. It might look... I don't know, weird.

When I turned around I realized that it had been the first time all day that I'd been alone with Darry. I felt extremely self-conscious. What if he said something about yesterday? What if he felt awkward with me physically close to him? What if I got hard?

But surprisingly, it was just like the few other times I'd given my brother a back rub; he pulled off his shirt, layed down on his bed in just his flannel pajama bottoms, and buried his face in a pillow. I figured I'd just give him a massage and stop when he started snoring; no big deal, right?

So I pulled off my shirt. I mean, I had to be comfortable. And I climbed onto the bed after Darry and awkwardly sat beside him, trying to position myself over him in a way that'd be comfortable for both of us. When I had been fussing with how to sit, where to put my hands, and how to begin for a solid five minutes, I finally gave up and nervously crawled onto him. I sat there, straddling the small of Darry's back, my eyes as huge as dinner plates. I didn't know what to do. I was afraid to start. I was afraid to _move._

And finally I reached forward and gripped Darry's shoulders. I forced myself to think hard about school and cigarettes and gasoline and absolutely anything that didn't have to do with rubbing Darry down and having to hear the agonizingly beautiful grunts he made, every time I did something right.

"Right there," he mumbled into the pillow. I swallowed hard. I kept going. The perfect, gorgeous shoulders tensed. Then there was a long, low moan. "That's real nice." I shifted my gaze. I stared at the fading wallpaper. I recited the fifty states in my head.

And there it came again; a deep, baritone grunt... and I was hard. All that effort put into thinking about anything but the action at hand. But it was no use. Darry was hot, and I was weak. I glanced around nervously, stupidly; for some reason, scared of being caught. And then I wiggled my hips a little bit. I shifted so my dick was pressed into his back, and I waited. And... silence. Huh. Either he didn't notice, or he just wasn't saying anything. I bent forward, leaned into Darry using all my weight, and let out a little sigh of my own. Every time I moved or shifted or leaned a certain way, my cock rubbed against his back. And I was getting more and more excited.

"Mmmm..." Darry shifted. I waited for a couple of seconds. "Pony," he croaked. I froze. "Can I sit up?"

"Yeah," came my quiet voice. I felt so stupid. I climbed off of Darry, knelt on the bed next to him, and waited for him to sit up. I watched him turn over, stretch a bit, and put his hands behind his head. I glanced down and gasped a little bit when I realized how obvious the bulge in my pajama pants was. I tugged at the crotch of my pants, nervous as hell, in a lame attempt to hide my painfully obvious erection.

I looked at my brother and waited. He didn't sit up.

"Um... Darry?" I asked. He stared back at me.

"Pony, why don't you do my chest a little bit..." he said quietly. My heart skipped a beat. I blinked a couple of times, and then nodded.

"Yeah." My voice came out as a squeak. "If you want." I hovered over him and my eyes darted around, searching for an idea as to where to position myself. But then strong hands reached up and took my wrists. I was pulled forward onto Darry and having lost my balance, cascaded into his perfect chest. "You want... you, umm..." I took a deep breath and tried to hide my goofy smile. "Hey, Darry..."

"Hey," came his smooth, relaxed voice. It was like dark chocolate- only twice as rich, and a million times more delicious. My eyes fluttered shut and I felt a large, calloused hand smooth and pat my hair down. "We gotta get you a haircut soon." I could have laughed at how casual he sounded. And then there was me, my hormones ablaze, my absolutely raging erection throbbing against his leg. I got that familiar feeling in my nether regions; the pain that felt good. My mouth was watering. I was insanely turned on.

One of Darry's hands lazily brushed over my back and somehow found its way to my ass. That was too much for me. I let out a high-pitched little wail, my voice cracking and my hips bucking a bit against Darry's leg.

And I'd thought I'd never get another chance like that again. Huh. Life's weird, I guess.


	7. Chapter 7

I took in a few quick, shallow breaths, and then I looked at Darry. His eyes were half-lidded and his hair was perfectly tousled. He was so gorgeous, he almost made me feel ugly. I wiggled a bit and sighed when my dick rubbed against his crotch. Warm hands found their way up to my shoulders and massaged a bit. I leaned into the touch and nuzzled my face against Darry's neck. I couldn't even remember how long I'd wanted this, all I knew was that it had been a hell of a long time.

I shivered when Darry kissed me on the forehead. I looked up and our eyes met, and I had butterflies in my stomach and my dick ached. I slowly started humping against his leg, quickening my pace in a matter of seconds. I gripped the sheets and gasped at the feeling. My mind was clouded with lust and all I wanted was to just cum.

"D-Darry," I breathed. I couldn't get out the rest of my words, but he knew what I wanted. He gripped my ass and pulled me forward in time with my jerky movements. I let out an embarrassing little squea as he slipped his hand into my pajama pants, past the waist-band of my Fruit of the Looms, and gave my ass a little squeeze.

"You like that?" Darry whispered. I nodded helplessly and he did it again. And then those gorgeous hands gripped both the pants and the underwear, and pulled them all the way down. He slapped my ass hard and I whimpered. "Perfect ass..." Darry sighed.

"Really?" I moaned into his shoulder, laughing a bit at how stupid I sounded, but too horny to care. The way he talked to me was getting me so worked up, I couldn't take it! I rubbed against his leg in long strokes, sticking my ass in the air and breathing harder as I went.

"I need to cum," I said. Darry nodded and grabbed me under the arms, turning us over, and letting me fall to the bed; all in one swift movement. I watched obediently as he reached down and grabbed my cock. He pumped me hard and gave me bruising kisses; I was in heaven. I'd never felt anything like this, but for a first experience, it was pretty fucking good.

"That's it," I gasped. Darry looked at me with fire in his eyes and smiled a little bit.

"Right there?" he asked teasingly.

"Yeah! Yeah, right there... oh, Darry, don't stop..." Gasp after gasp, I got so close that I could hardly breathe. "Oh!" I yipped. "I'm gonna cum."

Darry smiled and pumped me harder. He spit in his hand, gripping my dick again. I took in fast breaths until I got dizzy, and then with a shuddering little moan, I came. I buried my face in Darry's neck and pulled him down on top of me. We just lied there together, sweating, giving each other the occasional little peck on the cheek.

For a while now, Darry had been the highest figure of authority in my life. It felt kind of good to have that kind of relationship in bed, too; sort of like he was still the boss of me. I trusted him, though. I trusted him with everything I had. And I realized that even when I get mad at him and we argue, deep down I know he's right. No matter what, Darry just always seems to know what he's doing. And it's comfortable. I had been more than happy to just surrender myself to him... in basically every way that I knew how to.

"Can I sleep here?" My voice came out as a squeak. I cleared my throat quickly, nervously, suddenly brought back to reality. I prayed he wouldn't say no. I hoped with everything in me that he wouldn't just turn over and tell me to go back to my own room, like he had last time. I don't know if I'd be able to deal with it if he did.

"I guess so," came his gravelly voice against my neck. I smiled from ear to ear and relaxed a bit. So maybe reality _didn't_ have to just hit us like a train and shatter our peace... well at least, for the moment. This was just too nice. I slowly let my eyes close and drifted into sleep, still snugly pressed against Darry's chest in a bear-hug. My big brother.

* * *

The next morning I saw Soda in the kitchen. He was acting really weird. Normally, everytime he saw me, he attacked me with hugs and messed up my hair and wouldn't stop talking.

Well, not today. Or at all lately, for that matter. I vaguely wondered over my bowl of cereal if he knew anything about Darry and I, but I shook the thought from my mind right away. How could he _possibly_ know? I hadn't said a word about it to anyone, and Darry hadn't either. I knew he wouldn't; he just wasn't the type.

"What's with you?" I asked. I stared at Soda's face, trying to get some sort of idea of what was wrong with him. But his eyes were empty. He lazily looked up at me and shook his head.

"Nothin', Pony," he said in one of those none-of-your-business voices. It kind of stung; Sodapop never kept anything from me. Even when he and Sandy first did it, he told me about it. We were just really close. I scowled.

"Come on, don't gimme that," I snapped. He looked surprised for a moment, but then that deadpan expression returned to his face.

"Give you what?" he shot right back. And then he laughed a little bit. "Jesus, why do you hafta have so much attitude first thing in the morning?" He gave me a crooked smile that made me feel a bit better. But only a little bit. I would have kept trying to bully him into telling me what was up, but then I heard heavy footsteps and yawning and then Darry was walking into the kitchen. I stared at him shamelessly, watched him loosely pull at the sash on his old plaid bathrobe, rub his eyes lazily, fiddle with a couple of plates... and then finally come sit down at the table.

"Goodmorning," I said as soon as he sat down. He looked up and smiled at me.

"Morning Pony. Morning Soda." I watched him glance at Soda and nudge him a little bit. "Everything okay?" he asked. Soda didn't even look at him, but Darry seemed to understand. I felt a pang of jealousy upon seeing my brothers so close. I hated when they were like that. Why couldn't I be as perfect as Sodapop? It made me feel like the night before had meant nothing to Darry.

I stood up quickly and grabbed my backpack off the floor. "I gotta run." My brothers barely looked at me; they were too busy gazing into each others' eyes and communicating without saying a word. It made me sick. I hurried out the door so I wouldn't have to see anymore of it, and as I was walking down the street in a sort of blind rage, I remembered the detention.

"Shit," I whispered to myself. "Fuck." Well, wasn't this just fabulous. The perfect start to what was _sure_ to be a perfect day.

**You guys:**

**I am SO sorry this update took so long. My boytoy's kept me pretty busy... ^_^ But ANYWAYS! I'm pretty sure I know where I'm going with this fic! So PLEASE stay tuned! The best is yet to CUM! ;PPP Hahahah! 3**


	8. Chapter 8

The day couldn't have gone by any slower. I sat in each class fidgeting, _praying_ for time to somehow speed up so I could rush home and see Darry. At lunch time I saw Two-Bit, and he offered to take me to the gas station to eat with him and a couple of his friends.

"Naw, I don't really wanna do that," I mumbled.

"Alright, suit yourself!" he laughed. "We were gonna skip the rest'a the day anyway, so it's probably best you didn't come." My ears perked up when I heard that last part.

"Really?" I raised an eyebrow and Two-Bit punched me lightly on the arm.

"Well, yeah..." he replied. I think he was catching on to what I wanted, because he was looking at me all funny. I rushed toward him and grabbed his arms so he couldn't walk away.

"Listen, Two-Bit, you _gotta_ take me home. I can't stand another minute of just sitting there in class, really, I'm gonna go crazy!" I urged. He stared at me like I was growing a third eye. And then he smiled.

"Yeah, okay, Pony. Why not," he reasoned, shrugging his shoulders a little bit. I smiled from ear to ear. But then Two-Bit stopped in his tracks. "Pony, didn't you have a detention or somethin'?" _Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. _I had forgotten all about that. Why did he have to remember?

"Well, whatever!" I said quickly. "It doesn't really matter. Just take me home, okay?" Two-Bit stared at me, dead-pan.

"Pony." He said. "I'm not gonna let you skip a detention, Darry will have my head! ...and the rest of my dick," he tried to joke. I didn't smile. Then he just shrugged like there was nothing else he could do, and turned to walk away. I didn't even care anymore. I just let him go. I'd find another way to get outta this dump.

I walked into the bathroom and stood in front of the sink. There was a leaky faucet on one of the sinks and the noise was pissing me off. Staring at myself in the mirror, I realized I had to stay. Darry would be pissed if I didn't, and I really didn't want him to be upset with me. So I'd just have to grin and bear it.

* * *

When I was waiting just outside of the school for Darry or Soda to pick me up, I wondered something. Was there something between them? Just the thought of that made my insides crawl, but... if Darry was willing to fool around with me, I just... I couldn't help but wonder if he'd do that with Soda. But just as quick as it'd come, the idea went. Darry would never do something like that, and I knew he'd never do anything to hurt me. He always knew exactly what to say, do, how to act, and how to deal with things. There was no way my hero could do a thing like that.

So I stood there waiting for a ride, just praying that it would be Darry. And then our old red pickup truck pulled up in front of the school and I jogged toward it, dragging my backpack behind me. And my favorite big brother was sitting there behind the wheel fiddling with something under his seat. I smiled to myself. _Yay!_

"Hey, Dar," I greeted as I climbed into the car. I dropped my backpack on the floor and immediately looked at him, trying to gauge what kind of a mood he was in.

"Hey Pony," he said. He wouldn't look at me and he sounded like there was definitely something on his mind. I cringed inwardly. Now what?

"What's wrong?" I tried to say with confidence, but it came out as a squeak. I cleared my throat.

"Listen, little brother... we really need to talk." He stared straight ahead. Soon I was, too.

"Bout what." I said. I was pissed. He was getting second thoughts and I _knew_ it. I could just tell.

"Well..." he fiddled with his seat belt and ran a hand through his hair. "About what we've... been doin'." I knew it. I just knew it was way too fucking good to be true. I stayed silent, not caring how awkward or nervous he felt. He didn't have a right to mess around with me if it didn't mean nothing to him. It was just too damn unfair to me.

"It's sorta like..." he continued. "We're brothers. And... we can't just do stuff like that. You know?" The car went silent. I nodded, my jaw clenched.

"You're right," my voice was quiet. I heard Darry sigh, probably in relief. That made me just sick to my stomach. Then I saw him nod, like that was that. He reached for the keys to start the car back up, and that's when I lost it. I kicked the car door open, jumped out without my backpack, and sprinted away. I ran and ran, tears flowing toward my ears because'a how fast I was going. I couldn't seem to stop running. I didn't want to stop running. So I didn't.


	9. Chapter 9

**Before you read this chapter, I just wanted to tell my reviewers that you guys REALLY keep me going. Thank you so much for reading my fics, it means the WORLD to me. I wanted to let you guys know that I'll be posting WAY more often, so don't worry hahah! :] I kind of abandoned my story, but I'll be readopting it and continuing, okay? Don't you worry! Hahahaha 3 Anyways, on with the story! :D**

When I finally stopped running I was about a mile from home. I lazily walked along the sidewalk until I found a gas station that Soda and I used to walk to when we were younger. Watching people walking out with cokes made me realize how thirsty I was. I was starting to feel cold sweat on my temples and back and got the familiar shivers that come with withdrawal. I hadn't had a cigarette in _forever._ Why hadn't I just stayed in the fuckin' car? Why did I have to be such a hothead?

I slowly made my way into the gas station and pulled a wad of lunch money out of my pocket. Thank God I'd skipped lunch earlier! I don't even remember what I ordered, but it was a cold drink. As I passed by a booth where a couple'a girls from my school were sitting, I heard them whisper. I wasn't sure if they were talking about me in a good way or a bad way, but I just didn't care anymore. Darry was the only person I cared about, and he didn't want me.

I sat down in a table near the back of the gas station. As I looked around a bit, I noticed the table of girls staring at me. What the hell did they want from me? Couldn't they see that I was too busy being miserable to give them the time of day? I guess not, because soon one of them was pushed out of the booth, and slowly walked toward me. I looked her up and down. Not my type. She had big breasts and mousy brown hair. I liked jet-black hair and muscles, as big as they fuckin' get.

Soon Little Miss Muffett was sitting down next to me. I continued staring her down as I took a swig of my drink. And then I burped. She laughed nervously.

"Hi," the girl said. I nodded at her. "My name's Mary," she continued, scooting closer to me. I shuffled further away from her. She looked frustrated, like she was used to getting what she wanted. I shrugged at her.

"Hey, listen..." Mary moved over to get closer to me again. I didn't move away this time. I didn't have the energy. "Would you ever wanna... I don't know, go out with me?"

I was shocked. Was she fucking serious? Was she not seeing how I was acting! No, I didn't wanna go on a damn date with this chick! It kind of shocked me how nobody realized the truth. It was so wrong, though. Me and Darry. This was right. Teenagers go out with girls, that's what I'm supposed to do. Right?

"Umm..." My eyes flickered up to hers, then down to the table. I guess one little date wouldn't hurt. I mean, it _was_ only one date... right? "Well, okay," I finally said. She let out a loud sigh of relief, then turned around and flashed a thumbs-up to her girl friends. Mission accomplished, I guess?

"Awesome!" she said. And then she laughed a loud, nasally laugh that made me want to shoot myself. _What_ had I just done? Well... I guess I'd done what's right. What I'm supposed to do.

"I'm Ponyboy," I said when I realized that she didn't even know my name yet.

"That's a cute name!" Of course. she thought it was _cute._ That's definitely what I wanted.

"Thanks," I mumbled. Mary smiled, then reached into her pocket and pulled out a little slip of paper.

"This is my phone number." I took the paper and shoved it into my pocket. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised, but I did think it was a little weird that she'd written out her number when she hadn't even known yet what I was going to say. But again, this girl seemed like she was used to getting her way.

"Okay, I'll call you," I said shortly. I picked up my drink. "I gotta go," And then I left, without even waiting for her to say bye, or to hug me or whatever. I wanted to get out of there. I felt weird and awkward and I didn't like it. And I _know_ that's not what getting a girl's phone number is supposed to feel like. But I'm different than most guys. Really, really different.

As soon as I left the gas station I started up jogging again. If I wanted to get home before sundown, then I really had to get going. I ran and ran, and it's like I couldn't think. My mind was just numb. I was so sick of thinking about Darry for hours on end, and feeling hurt over what he'd said. I told myself that I didn't care, and he hadn't meant anything to me anyways. This Mary girl was hot. I was going to date _her_, like I was supposed to.

I wonder what mom and dad would have thought of me if they knew. I pictured both their faces in the family portrait we have on the mantel. In that picture they're both beaming, and dad has his arm around mom. After the accident I would always look at it because they just looked so happy... and frozen in time. Nothing would make them stop smiling. That picture would never change. And then I thought about Darry and me in that picture. I was about 2 years old when it was taken, and Darry had me on his lap. The way he was holding me, protecting me in that picture would never change. No matter how many fights or... flings we had, we'd still be the same in that one picture. Nothing in the world could take me off of his lap. Man... I wish real life was like that. Constant, like a rippleless lake. _Why_ can't life actually be like that?

Soon I was on my street, sweating and exhausted. Somewhere in the back of my mind I wondered why I was so tired. I opened the front door and walked right in.

"Pony!" I heard from somewhere in the house. Soda.

"Yeah?" I called. I rolled my eyes. I didn't feel like talking at all. I waited for Soda to come out from wherever he was. I wasn't going to make any more effort than I had to.

"Hey," he greeted. I watched him walk into the ktichen and grab a coke. I didn't say anything. I was really tired and out of breath from the run home and I just didn't feel like talking... especially to Sodapop. He walked into the living room and stared at me for a little while. I stared back.

"Anything wrong?" he asked. I shook my head and kicked off my sneakers.

"Darry home?" I heard myself ask. I dont know why I wanted to know, especially after what he did. But I told myself that I was asking because I wanted to avoid him. I didn't really care if he was here or not.

"Yeah, he got home about a half hour ago. Did somethin' happen between you two?" Soda searched my face, but I made sure to keep it expressionless. What happened earlier was between Darry and me. _He_ had nothing to do with it.

"No," my voice was sharper than I intended, so I added, "keep out of it, please." He raised his eyebrows.

"Okay, whatever you say, Pony." he said, shaking his head. I thought for a little while and then remembered someting.

"Hey, well what was with you this morning?" I shot. Soda looked back up at me.

"Nothing," he fake-laughed. "i was just tired."

"I thought so." I nodded. And that was that.

Later that night I walked past Darry's room. I saw the light through the crack under the door and was _so_ tempted to go in. I hadn't seen him all evening and I couldn't ask Soda why he wasn't coming out of his room, because... well, I just couldn't. But the light coming from his bedroom was just beckoning to me. I wanted more than anything to just push open the door and tear off Darry's close and immerse myself in him. I _needed_ him. My hand was shaking as I reached toward the doorknob. Was I really going to do this?


	10. Chapter 10

**Okay, first of all: I am SO FREAKING SORRY that this took so long! The two-year anniversary of staring this story has already passed hahaha! But anyways, I know you're all probably just skipping this and reading anyways, so... read away. :D**

My hand hovered over the doorknob, so nervous that I felt like I was going to fall over. I felt like I absolutely had to talk to Darry about what had happened, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. There was so much between us that had to be talked through, but neither of us was brave enough to initiate it.

I paced for a while outside of Darry's bedroom and finally, after badgering myself enough, I opened the door a crack.

"Darry?" I said quietly. "Can I come in?" I heard the old mattress creaking as Darry stood up and then footsteps made their way toward the door.

"Yeah, go ahead," came the deep, gravelly reply. I pushed the door open the rest of the way and saw Darry in his pajamas wearing his old pair of glasses. He must have been reading the newspaper, because it was opened and laying in pieces all over his bed, some of it on the floor. That made me smile a little bit.

"How are you?" I asked timidly. Fuck, I sounded so stupid. But he didn't seem to notice and I was grateful.

"Pretty good," he lied, going along with my small-talk. "How are you?"

"Okay, Darry, we have to talk." I pushed past him and sat down on his bed. "Look, I'm really sorry for making you feel awkward. So sorry." He raised an eyebrow at me, as if to ask, "What's the catch?" I absently folded up some of the newspapers that were on the bed until there were no more left to fold.

"Um... thanks," he finally said.

"And I know things can't just... go back to normal between us, but I'd really like them to," I continued.

"Me too, little brother." Darry looked touched by that last statement. He sat down next to me and took his glasses off, rubbing his face with both hands. "I'm so sorry I've let things get like this," he said, his face still in those big hands. I smiled sadly.

"I know you are. I wish you weren't..." I whispered. A silence fell between us and I knew it was my fault. I didn't like it. "I got a girl's phone number today."

"That's great!" Darry exclaimed, looking up. "Wow, good for you, buddy!" I smiled.

"Yeah. She seems pretty easy, though." Shrugging, I crawled under the covers of Darry's bed. I didn't want him to be happy for me. I wanted him to be enraged that someone else was stealing his guy. But he wasn't going to let himself react that way and we both knew it.

I felt Darry slowly pull the covers down on his side and then the creak of him falling back into bed.

"Pony," Darry said suddenly. His voice sounded panicked. "Are you... gay?" I just stared at him. Was he completely out of his mind? Did he just forget everything that had happened between us, or something?

"Nope. I was just pretending to like you back to make you feel good about yourself," I said, my voice absolutely dripping with sarcasm. Darry's face got all scrunched up.

"Ponyboy, don't do that. I hate it when you do that."

"Do what? Say things like they are? You're right, it works so much better to just shove everything under the rug and pretend it isn't happening." As soon as I said it, I anticipated a fight. Darry was going to get mad at me for using attitude with him, we'd argue, and we'd go to bed angry with each other. I'd probably get kicked out of the bed, too.

But he was silent, and my big brother seemed to be thinking about what to say.

"So you're really gay?"Darry turned to face me and propped his head up on his elbow. I nodded. He looked down. "I always hoped you weren't."

"Well jeez, I can't help it..." I whispered.

"No, no... I didn't mean it like that at all," he said hurriedly. "I just meant... well, I'm gay. Obviously. And," I watched him as he took a deep breath, "it's something I've never wanted you to have to go through." I thought about this for a while. Darry, caring about what I had to go through? He didn't seem the type.

"Did you ever tell mom and dad?" I asked. A sad shake of the head was my answer.

"I didn't want to upset them. Dad was so proud of me... and the way I lived my life was such a reflection on him, you know what I mean? I had to be the all-star football player because he was when he was in high school. I had to be strong and stay buff, because that's the way he was. I never did feel like I was allowed to live my own life. And now... well, I have to be a responsible guardian for you and Soda. And tell me, just what kind of a responsible guardian goes around sleeping with other guys? It's been hard. And you're the only person I've ever told, Ponyboy."

"Wow," I said quietly. I didn't really know what to say. I didn't really know that Darry felt things that were so... real. I felt like I had a new understanding of him. And I really liked it. I scooted closer to him and rested my head on his chest. Then I thought of something. "What about that date you went on?"

"That?" He snorted. "I met her at the grocery store and she started hitting on me, so I played along. I don't even remember her name." I raised my eyebrows.

"Promise?"

"Promise," Darry smiled. I gave him an earnest grin, feeling happy for the first time in a while. I felt close to my brother; closer than I ever had. And it was a good feeling. My eyes darted up to meet his ice blue ones and I felt an instant adrenaline rush. The urge to lean in for a kiss got stronger and stronger, and I swear I fought it off as well as I could. But apparently that wasn't good enough, because I quickly closed the distance between us and pressed my body up against Darry's.

This felt so good, kissing him again. It felt like it had been forever, even though it'd been just a day. I didn't think he would, but Darry kissed me back with a new energy. His hands were all over me, and I loved every second of it. I felt one of the large palms grope at my ass. I gasped at the feeling, staring into those eyes. He stared at me icily and then flashed a mischievous smile.

"Do it again," I breathed.

"Do what again?" Darry was teasing me, and I was loving it.

"Grab my ass?" I sounded so whiny. He inched his fingers down as slowly as he could. I watched the smile on his face grow wider and wider as I wiggled around impatiently. "Darry!" I finally urged.

"All right, all right..." he purred in my ear, then bit my earlobe hard. How did he do it? How did he make everything he did just feel so fucking good? I was completely lost in his arms, just overwhelmed with his presence. But then I thought of something and my eyes went wide. I pushed Darry away with both arms.

"Wait..." My voice came out hoarse and embarrassingly insecure. My big brother looked concerned though, and gently ran a hand through my hair.

"What's wrong, baby?" Darry's asked. I wanted to make a face at him, because he should have known why I was upset.

I had no idea where we stood, as a couple... if we even were a couple. He had just told me that we couldn't move forward, and we had to stop being intimate. Now he was completely contradicting himself, and I had a pretty good idea he'd do the exact same thing the next time he changed his mind.

"What am I to you?" I started.

"You're my little brother," he chuckled.

"No, I mean... relationship-wise..."

"Ponyboy," Darry cut in. "Don't start with that, please."

"What?" I demanded, sitting straight up in bed and pulling away from him. "How can you kiss me like that and then tell me that we aren't together?" I was immediately shushed, and I scowled deeply. This was too much.

"You gotta be more quiet..."

"No. I refuse to be quiet when you're doing this. Darry... if I can't be your boyfriend, or.. or your significant other, or _whatever_- but you still think we can kiss and fool around," I shook my head. "Well then I don't think I want anything to do with you."


	11. Chapter 11

**Guys, you have permission to hate me. Seriously. I would hate me if I were you. I started this like 3 years ago and I only have 10 chapters up and they're all short and sucky. Seriously, I feel terrible... which is why this will be the longest update I've ever done on this fic. I just have been way into writing for other stuff so it's been really hard for me to stay with this. But that's no excuse to completely leave you guys hanging. So you have permission to hate me and plot my unfortunate demise.**

**But I think it's kinda cool because in the three years I've been on-and-off writing this I've changed and hopefully developed a lot as a writer. Reading through all the chapters, I could see how much my style has changed! It's strange. **

**Oh, and shoutout to MikiRave096 for keeping in touch and encouraging me!**

**Anyways, START READING!**

* * *

"No. I refuse to be quiet when you're doing this. Darry... if I can't be your boyfriend, or.. or your significant other, or _whatever_- but you still think we can kiss and fool around," I shook my head. "Well then I don't think I want anything to do with you."

Darry stared at me in disbelief, which was actually pretty annoying because I was making sense. I'll admit that I can be really hot-headed sometimes and fly off the handle at the littlest thing, but I was right. This was a big deal. Darry was being completely unfair and it was hard enough to be gay. But to make me feel like I'm normal and that I'm not alone and then confuse me like that? I wasn't okay with it.

"Ponyboy, let's jut try to be calm and sort this out..."

"I don't want to," I said quietly but firmly. I felt tears coming on and knew I had to get out of there before I really embarrassed myself. Darry tried to put an arm around me but I shrugged away from him and stood up. "I don't hate you. You're my brother." I took a deep breath. "But you need to stop doing this to me. I can't take it." I watched him intently and searched for any sign that he was even beginning to consider having a relationship with me. He was stone-faced.

"Can you at least say something?" I pleaded. "What are you thinking right now?" Darry shook his head and took off the glasses, rubbing his forehead.

"I don't know what to say."

"You really acted like you wanted me," I whispered. "I can't believe it. I totally opened up to you and kind of... I don't know, gave myself to you." Darry was still silent. "My God, I'm so stupid." I hugged myself for a few moments and finally turned and started for the door.

"I want to be with you." Darry's voice broke through my thoughts and everything in my world froze. I whirled around to face my brother and studied his face.

"W-What?"

"I want to be with you. I need you," he said, sounding more vulnerable than I'd ever heard him before. He couldn't look at me and my heart broke and was whole again, both at once. I took a step forward.

"You want to be with me? For real?"

"More than anything," Darry answered, his voice shaking. He brought a hand up and rubbed his forehead. "And this is really hard for me. You have to understand, my responsibility is to look out for you. I have to do what's right for my little brother."

"You're not hurting me. Or treating me badly." I stepped a bit closer.

"I'm hurting you by being so indecisive. Now, I'm going to cut you a deal, okay Pony?" Darry gazed up at me with glassy eyes, but a sheepish smile on his face. "I'll be with you. I'll treat you how you deserve to be treated and stop pulling away, and we can have a real relationship. Or you can walk out and go sleep in your bed and leave me. Either way we'll be brothers. But I'm gonna let you choose."

I felt a smile tugging at my lips as I closed the distant between us and climbed into his lap. "That's a pretty tough decision to make, Darry."

"I know," he choked out, half laughing. "And I don't want you to tiptoe around my feelings, okay?" We both grinned.

"Wasn't planning on it."

"Good." We just sat staring at each other for a few moments until Darry gave me a squeeze and said, "Well?"

"Well _what?_" I shot back.

"What are we going to do about this?"

"Oh, this?" I asked dumbly, gesturing between the two of us. Darry rolled his eyes at me.

"I think I'll keep you around."

"Oh, well it's nice to know you're taking pity on me!"

"I love you," I said, and it silenced him right away.

"I love you too," Darry said softly, and leaned in and gave me an achingly-sweet kiss. I tenderly touched the side of his face and melted into him. All of my worries and anger from before were completely gone. Darry was more than forgiven and I just wanted him more than I ever had before. Without thinking I pushed Darry down onto the bed and climbed on top of him. His big hands running up and down my sides gave me chills and I was definitely getting hard now.

Soon Darry's hands went to my ass and squeezed, and I hated myself for having pants on. Darry's definitely needed to come off too. As much as I hated to get off of him, I needed to see his dick. I stood on my knees and tore off my shirt, falling to my side and wiggling out of my pants and boxers. Darry followed suit and pulled off his undershirt and I had to stare at his amazing chest. His abs and pecs weren't perfectly cut like one of those lifeguards, his muscles obviously came from labor and work rather than weights.

And then Darry took his pajama bottoms off. My dick throbbed and I moaned, my eyes fluttering shut and my hand on my dick. The first word that came to mind was perfect, absolutely fucking_ perfect_. I could not have possibly imagined a more gorgeous cock. I was staring absently for a little while, mouth agape and still pumping my cock, and Darry laughed low in his throat. I felt my cheeks flush. I couldn't move. I was stunned and so hard that it hurt.

"Come here," Darry murmured, and I came out of my trance and found my way onto his lap again. His cock rubbed against mine and I let out a little whine that seemed to really excite Darry. He wrapped me up in his arms and kissed me, but it was still gentle and loving. I moved my lips against his and was vaguely aware that Darry was the only person I had ever kissed. I was just fine with that. Darry fell back on the bed and pulled me down with him, our lips locked together the whole time. I silently prayed for him to touch my ass and I didn't want to sound weird or needy, but there was something so fucking sexy about the way he had touched me before.

I didn't have to ask, though. Darry reached both hands back and squeezed my ass hard. I immediately whimpered and pushed my ass back against his hands, and Darry spread my cheeks and kissed me roughly. I felt a few fingers dancing around my entrance and gasped. It was a new feeling, but a really fucking good one. My breaths became shallow and I had to break the kiss. Darry slowly began dipping a finger into me and I waited anxiously for him to push deeper. He continued, though much slower than I would have preferred, and when he was was in up to his second knuckle, he pulled out and added another.

By this point I was keening and had my face buried in the space between Darry's neck and the pillow he was resting on. "Hard. Go harder, Darry. Please," I breathed into his ear, and he groaned quietly and quickly picked up the pace. He put his other hand on the back of my neck and pulled me in for a rough kiss.

I had become so lost in the feeling of Darry's fingers in me that I had forgotten all about my cock, but that didn't seem to matter seeing as I was getting really close. I began pushing my ass back onto his fingers and then rutting against Darry's perfect abs in time with the movements of his strong hand.

"Fuck!" I cried, trying to be as quiet as I could, which was incredibly hard. I had had no idea how good being fingered could feel.

"Close?" Darry asked, and I couldn't even answer. I squeezed my eyes shut and gripped Darry's shoulders as I released between us, on both of our chests. I slowly opened my eyes when I had finished shooting and stared into Darry's icy blue ones. We were both panting and had a thin sheen of sweat on our faces. I realized that this was what people were talking about when they used the phrase "the smell of sex". I didn't have a problem with it.

Darry finally smiled and me and gave me a quick kiss. "Was that okay?" he asked, and I was shocked. He actually sounded insecure, that was definitely a first.

"Fucking amazing..." I sighed. Darry gave me a stern look. "What?"

"We may be lovers, but I'm still your big brother. And you need to watch your mouth!" He had a hint of a smile on his face and I laughed.

"Oh, okay, _big brother_." He laughed too and gave me a squeeze.

"So... you think maybe we should get cleaned up?"


	12. Chapter 12

"I know what the fuck is going on. I'm not stupid," Soda growled. "Did you honestly think you were going to sneak this past me? Did you think I wasn't going to find out?"

* * *

Allow me to back up.

* * *

The morning after was surreal. Darry gently woke me up for school. It dawned on me that morning that it was the last Wednesday of the school year. I had not thought of that once. It was a huge shocker to me, as opposed to basically all of the other kids in my grade. This week would give way to summer and I would feel at peace for the first time in what felt like forever, even though all this had begun not even a week ago. That fact also hit me like a ton of bricks, most likely because I had felt this way about Darry for as long as I could remember.

When Darry woke me, he kissed me sweet and slow before roughly pulling the covers off of me so I would get out of bed. He smirked at me and I laughed at the contrast. He could really be a walking contradiction (A/N: GD reference) when he wanted to.

I didn't want to go to school but I didn't to push it. Who knows, maybe I'd be given a writing assignment today in my English class. Sure, I couldn't write about_ exactly_ what was happening in my life, but I could use metaphors and those were just as good.

Darry was getting dressed and I was shamelessly watching him from my place on the bed when there was a sharp knock on the door. We both jumped but didn't have time to do anything else before Soda called, "I'm coming in, I hope you're decent," and barged inside.

"Need something?" Darry asked casually, kind of watching Sodapop carefully because hey, he was acting really freaking weird.

"What, you two needed privacy? We're all guys here. I've seen you two naked more times than I've seen chicks naked. And that's saying something."

Okay, what the hell was this about? First of all, Soda never bragged about girls. That just wasn't his style... not to mention the fact that he actually hadn't been around the block much, if you know what I mean. And I had never seen him act just plain cold like he was now. Something was seriously off here. I got a sinking feeling in my stomach and felt the hairs on the back of my neck starting to stand up.

"Soda, is everything okay?" I chanced. He pulled down his pajama pants hastily before turning toward me in just briefs and gave me this sort of hollow glare. He was looking at me like I was a loose cannon, like_ I_ was the one who was acting out of character.

"Why don't you go change in your room, Soda? I think attention from the ladies is starting to give you a big head. Not poking fun at you or anything, but we don't really need to see that," Darry teased, but he wasn't relaxed. He was completely on edge. Soda could tell, and I wasn't sure if this was a power trip for him, knowing that he had us on a string.

"Pony's room too, remember? What, you guys started sharing a room?" Soda snapped.

"Hey, don't mouth off to me. If you're gonna have a shitty attitude then just leave. I don't need this first thing in the morning." Darry was raising his voice and finally Soda backed down.

"See you guys tonight." He waved and left the room, leaving Darry and me shaking and just a little bit freaked out.

* * *

Despite praying for the day to drag so as not to face Soda too soon, it flew by. Before I knew it, the bell was ringing and kids were leaving the school. I half-heard a few guys talking about going to the drive-in tonight because apparently there was a cool movie playing and Judy was gonna be there, you know Judy, "the chick with the big jugs."

Hearing that conversation once again reminded me of my sexual orientation. It was beyond me why guys would be attracted to giant lumps of fat hanging off of a girl's chest.

But hearing it reminded me of that broad at the gas station the night before, Molly or Muffy or something. I chuckled to myself because she actually thought that I was going to call her, despite how completely uninterested and pissed off I had acted through our entire conversation, if you could even call it that. What if I saw her at the gas station again? It was pretty likely that I would one day, which was kind of a bummer because that gas station is cool. But a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. Avoiding clingy girls is what we do best.

* * *

Usually school dragged by and I glanced at the clock every few minutes, wanting the day to end. Today was different. My classes were actually sort of helping to keep my mind off of the weirdness at home. It half-crossed my mind that I hadn't seen any of the guys in a few days. I was becoming really jumpy and paranoid. I found myself worrying if the guys picked up what was going on between Darry and me and had decided not to come around anymore. I knew how irrational that was because Darry and I really weren't that obvious, but the thought still plagued me.

When school finally let out, I didn't really want to leave. I could think of a million things I would rather do than go home. But I went anyway. I walked home from school just like any other day, but cautiously opened the front door a crack before going inside because I still didn't want to see Soda. After scoping out the living room and deeming it free of carbonated drinks of any kind (get it?), I went inside. Darry was probably home and I kind of wanted to play a game called how fast can I get into his room, get him undressed, and ride him. Soda was usually home by now but by the looks of it, he hadn't gotten off of work yet. I heard the floor creaking down the hall, unmistakably coming from Darry's bedroom.

I booked it down the hallway, unbuttoning my jeans and kicking them off on the way. I pulled Darry's door open, now in just boxers and a tee shirt, but didn't see him. I still heard creaking. I walked around to the other side of his bed to see him vigorously doing sit-ups in an arousingly tight wife-beater. I had been half-hard already but was instantly stiff as fuck at the sight.

Darry looked up at me and smiled. "Hey."

I smiled back, quickly climbing into his lap and straddling him. I began running my hands up and down his chest. "Sorry I'm so sweaty. That sometimes happens," he let out a breathy laugh.

I dismissed it because honestly, when Darry sweats, it's sexy as hell. He glistens, and you can see every ripple, every defined muscle. And his breath is usually labored.

I leaned forward and licked up the shell of his ear and he let out a low moan. Every sound Darry made made me feel like coming in my pants, so I stood on my knees and slipped off my boxers. Darry growled and filled his palms with my ass. He bit my neck hard. I fucking loved it.

I was getting ideas this time. Fooling around wasn't enough. Fingers weren't enough.

"I want you to fuck me," I whispered before I lost my nerve. "I want it right now. And you're going to do it."

Woah. I didn't know I was capable of that. But Darry seemed more than happy to comply. He hastily unbuckled his jeans and shimmied out of them. His enormous hard-on sprung free and I gasped, immediately reaching down and stroking it slowly. Not only was his cock huge, but it was fucking beautiful. The perfect amount of veins showing, a drop of pre-cum leaking from the tip. I was drooling just looking at it.

Darry spit into his hands and reached around me but I stopped him. "Don't finger me first. I want to feel every inch of you. I can take it." His eyes bugged out and he pulled my face forward and attacked my mouth with kisses. He forced his tongue into my mouth, fine by me, and started fondling my ass again.

It occurred to me that Darry was laying on the floor. Half of me wanted to move it to the bed, but the other half couldn't wait another second for this to happen. Darry reached toward his nightstand, pulled open the drawer, and fumbled around for a moment. He brought a bottle of lube out of the drawer and wet his hands with it. I watched as Darry slowly lubed up his cock and I moaned at the sight of him jacking off.

"Now, Darry. Please. I need it so bad," I whined. He locked gazes with me and nodded vigorously.

"Stand on your knees, baby. I want this to be good for you. Slide down on it, as slow as you want, I won't thrust into you," he said gently. "Just take your time." I smiled down at him and positioned myself right above his cock. I lined it up perfectly with my entrance and slid down.

I had heard rumors before about getting a dick up the ass hurting, but it felt more and more fucking amazing with every inch. Within no more than five seconds, I was all the way down on it. Darry was gasping, writhing with pent-up tension from not being able to thrust.

"I'm good now. Go nuts," I smirked.

"You sure?" Darry asked, still trying to catch his breath. "You sure you'll be okay?"

"I need this. Do it." I leaned forward and braced myself against Darry's shoulders. I gripped onto him tight and waited for him to start pounding me.

I didn't have to wait long. Darry had a vice-like grip on my ass, massaging the cheeks as he slammed into me. My eyes rolled back and I was whimpering, "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck..." almost incoherently.

How was I already about to cum? I felt like a first timer, but I kind of... _was_ a first timer. I tried to hold off for as long as I could but before I knew it, I busted all over Darry's chest and abs.

"S-sorry..." I gasped as I came, but Darry shook his head and kissed me. "Keep going," I whispered.

Darry continued rocking his hips and stroked my cock slowly. I was surprised with how well I could actually take a pounding. In no time, I was hard again and I leaned down and hid my face in the crook of Darry's neck. My moaning grew so intense that soon I was sobbing, begging Darry to make me cum. Begging him to hit it harder, to go faster.

"Mmm... I'm about to fucking go," Darry sighed.

"Fuck. Me too."

"Hold on tight, baby." Darry was really going for it. He gripped my ass hard and just kept slamming into me. Every thrust hit me in just the right stop and I was ready to erupt.

Just as Darry moaned and released inside of me, I came hard and added to the drying cum already on him. My face was still hidden in his neck and I was cowering and hyperventilating. He ran his hands up and down my back and whispered, "I love you so much." I gasped and of course said it back. I had never felt so intensely about anybody in my life. Darry was my life.

* * *

"You doing your homework?" Darry called into my room a half hour later, after we were all cleaned up and finished.

"Don't have any. I'm off of school in a few days, remember?"

"Oh yeah. I'm sorry, I forgot," he answered.

"It's fine. You should come spend time with me." I craned my neck down the hallway from my seat at the desk to see if Darry was near my room, but I couldn't see him.

"I had some trouble with the truck today. I'm gonna take it into the shop right now, I don't know if I'll have time tomorrow." Darry peeked his head into my room. I pouted at him and he chuckled lightly. "I'm sorry, baby. We kind of need a working vehicle. We gotta get around somehow."

"I know. Just.. hurry home."

"I will," Darry said, and moved toward me to kiss me on the forehead before leaving. Just then, I remembered Soda. Why was he taking so long to come home? I was partly relieved because I'd been able to avoid him for this long, and had had time with Darry tonight. But the longer he took, the more worried I became. He_ never_ did this.

But just as soon as Darry left, I heard footsteps in the living room and then I heard somebody open the fridge. That could have been a number of people; maybe Darry decided to grab something to drink on the way to the shop, or maybe Johnny came inside to get away from his parents. Or it could have been Sodapop. It probably was.

When I heard footsteps in the hallway nearing my room, my heart sped up. I watched a shadow move down the hallway and I could tell by looking that it was Soda. He had literally come in as soon as Darry left.

Soda walked into my room in his greasy work clothes and stared me down. I had never seen him look so angry in all my life.

"The house smells really funky," he said in a low voice.

"Like what?" I asked. I had heard of the smell of sex before. I was hoping to God that he wouldn't say that, even though I hardly believed in God. Maybe if He did exist, He'd be looking out for me this time.

"Like_ filth_," Soda spat.

I shook my head, trying to look innocent. "I don't know what you're talking about. You're all dirty, maybe it's just you."

"It's not."

The room became silent and in one millisecond, Soda was in my face.

"I know what the fuck is going on. I'm not stupid," he growled. "Did you honestly think you were going to sneak this past me? Did you think I wasn't going to find out?"

"W-what?" I croaked. My heart was in my throat and I felt like I was going to barf.

"I know what you've been doing. Your little game is over. The two of you make me sick."

"Please, tell me what's going on..." I shook my head frantically. "What do you know- what do you_ think_ you know?"

"You and Darry have been fucking around. It ends now."


	13. Chapter 13

**I'm back, bitches. Miss me? I owe you all a freaking enormous apology for just disappearing. But I'm happy to announce... that I WILL be continuing and finishing this fic! I will update once a week and sometimes even more frequently. I'm starting college and for some reason feel ridiculously motivated to write this. Probably because I'll be spending so much time sitting at a desk staring at a computer and looking for something to do that I like better than writing essays and reports and shit.**

**Anyway. Shit's getting real now. Again, I am so sorry about my super-long hiatus. I know you guys don't want to hear a sob story or personal bullshit from me. But umm. The reason I haven't updated. About a year, maybe a year and a half ago, I dated a guy who reminded me so much of Darry, it was ridiculous. He had huge muscles and seemed like sort of a father figure. And then he ended up being extremely abusive and a promiscuous, hypocritical liar. And that really kind of scarred me. And for the longest time, I didn't even want to think about Darry Curtis because of the association. Seriously, when I was dating that guy, I actively compared him to Darry. So it was bad. But I've healed now and I'm ready to continue. And I've worked out the fact that the guy I dated IS NOT like Darry and it's just a flawed understanding I had.**

**If you took the time to read that, thank you. Let the chapter begin! Please read and review. Love, Vanessa**

* * *

I stared up at Sodapop in disbelief; half because of the way that he was acting and half just genuinely shocked at how accurately he had pinpointed that. I didn't think any of it was obvious. Darry and I always fought, that was a given. We clashed. And then we made up. There was always some sort of drama between Darry and me. Usually Soda helped resolve it. This time we hadn't told him anything.

Maybe that's what was different. I had pulled away from Soda without realizing it and out of nowhere started sleeping in Darry's room. Soda knew me better than I knew myself. His understanding of the dynamic of our family was clear as a bell. I should have known that he would sense a disturbance. But a lot of it was still hazy.

"How... tell me what you're talking about, please. I want to know what you know." I stood my ground and waited for Soda to continue. My heart was thudding so hard that I felt like I was having a heart attack. I had to consciously remind myself that I was going to survive this.

"I can read you like a fucking book, Ponyboy. I've known that you're gay for your entire life. I knew it before you knew it. I knew it before you even knew what gay means. That's never bothered me. But this thing you are doing with Darry, this disgusting, inappropriate, just plain wrong relationship, if you'd even call it that... It's not okay."

"It is a relationship," I spoke up. That part had really hit a nerve. "Yeah, it's wrong. And people would think it's disgusting and inappropriate. But Darry and I have a relationship. Don't you dare say we don't."

"I don't wanna fuckin' hear that! You're lucky I haven't reported Darry to child services. That's what I ought to do. I can't believe he would do this to you," Soda said while pacing around our room.

"To me? What do you mean?" I turned toward Soda a little bit because no, that wasn't an okay thing to say. "He's not doing anything to me. I'm choosing this. I'm practically doing it to him. He doesn't want to feel it."

"He shouldn't want to!" Soda boomed. He yelled so loud that it felt like the whole room shook. "I don't care how big and strong he is, I don't fucking care that he's our "caretaker". He sure isn't fucking acting like one. He's raping my little brother."

I shot out of my seat and knocked the chair backwards on my way to Soda. I punched him in the gut as hard as I could. "Don't you ever fucking say that again. You hear?"

Soda was shaking and was backed against a wall. His lips were trembling and he was hugging his ribs. "You hit me," he whispered to himself. "All I've ever wanted was for you to be happy."

I took a step back. It was getting hard to breathe. There was too much to feel. I was so angry and worked up but also insanely disappointed in myself for what I'd done.

Soda curled into himself and slid down the wall onto the floor. He buried his head in his knees and I watched his shoulders start to move up and down violently. I could hear the muffled sobs and they were so upsetting at that moment that I wanted nothing more than to reach into my desk drawer and pull my switchblade to my own neck.

Instead I rushed to Soda's side. I tried to pry his arms away from his body so I could hug him but he wouldn't budge. He sat there all rolled up like a pill bug with me growing increasingly upset by the second because Soda was fucking crying and there was nothing I could do to make it stop. How could I have forgotten that he was my best friend? How had I let that get past me?

Soda started trying to get words out between breaths and the fact that his face was covered wasn't making it very easy to hear, but I could make out the important things he was trying to say.

"I wish I understood. I wish I knew how to react."

He lifted his face up finally and kept barreling on, "You're my baby brother. I want to protect you from this but I'm not even sure that there's anything to protect you from. I'm seeing up as down right now. This is so hard." He rubbed his eyes and extremely flushed face for a few seconds and then at last opened up and pulled me into a tight hug. I scooched in between Soda's legs, with my back to his front. He hugged me from behind and rested his head on my shoulder as we sat on the ground and started to settle.

"I can help you understand," I said quietly.

"Pony, I don't know if I'm ready for that yet."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course." Soda reached around me and pulled my bangs back away from my face and started playing with my hair. I loved the feeling.

"Why did you wait for Darry to leave? You came in like.. the second after he left the house." It was one of those questions that I kind of didn't want to know the answer to, but I knew it had to be asked. "Why did you choose to confront me about it first?"

Soda groaned quietly. "I don't know. I guess I thought that if I confronted Darry about it, we'd end up in a fist fight with him throwing me out of the house and me calling child services. I figured you and me'd be more civil and work it out before me and Darry beat eachother's asses."

I sighed. "Yeah, I sure lived up to that."

"Don't hate yourself over this, Pony. I just didn't realize what a sensitive subject that was for you. I mean, the whole Darry being the guardian and knowing better than to fuck around with his little brother subject. Because Pony, you ain't stupid. You gotta know this is wrong. You're kind of... I don't want to upset you or piss you off or have you think I'm not listening to you. O-Or not being openminded, because I'm really trying to be. But I think the reason you're so sensitive about that is because, well... Because you know how wrong it is. But you've been able to push the thought out of your head and stop thinking about it so you weren't eaten up with guilt."

I snorted. "You said a mouth full." I felt Soda shrug behind me. "No, seriously. How the hell did you know that? I didn't even know that."

"I know everything about you, Pony. _Especially_ the stuff you don't know about yourself."

* * *

"Hey Johnnycake," I said softly, trying to wake him up as gently as I could. I had walked up to the firepit and Johnny was sleeping blissfully on the couch in front of it for who knows how long. I was going to stay and maybe lay with him but the sky had gotten noticeably darker and I wanted to get home. I wasn't as terrified to show my face now.

When Darry pulled into the driveway, I had left the house in a hurry because I really didn't want to be there when Soda confronted him about it. I just wanted to give it enough time to cool off. But I was kind of ready to deal with it now.

"Hmm?" Johnny stirred and slowly opened his eyes. "Hey, buddy."

"Hey! Um. So some weird stuff happened..." I sighed deeply. He stood up and stretched, then nodded for me to continue. "Well. Darry and I..." I said and Johnny raised his eyebrows, so I paused.

"Keep going, I gotta hear this." I smiled and patted him on the back.

"Thanks for not thinkin' I'm crazy."

"Never said that..." Johnny said and then shoved me and laughed.

"Well... things are good. Things are the best they've been. We... we're kind of..."

"Together?"

"Uhh..." I started, and Johnny gasped. "Yes, we're together."

"That's great! That's-" he stopped. "That's what you wanted, right?"

"Of course!" I laughed. "It's so awesome, Johnny. It's everything I've ever wanted. He's being so good to me. I just really hope he won't back out this time." I suddenly remembered the confrontation with Soda earlier and my smile melted off.

"Oh. And.. something else kind of happened."

"What?" Johnny asked.

I took a deep breath as I prepared to tell him everything. But I sort of realized that I didn't have the energy for that. At all.

"Soda found out. It's a really long- not long, just huge- a really big story. He kind of blew up. I left the house because... he was confronting Darry with it. I kind of didn't want to be there, you know?"

"So wait... Soda blew up? Really?"

"Yeah, I didn't think he was capable of it, either. He seems so... nice."

"Well I guess nobody's nice when they're real mad."

"Yeah, you're right." I stopped walking when we were about a block away from my house. I was being a pansy, I know, but it was intimidating.

"Can we.. not go inside?" I asked. Johnny shrugged.

"You want me to go in first, see if it's safe?"

"Please?"

"Of course." Johnny smiled and we slowly continued toward the house.

"But wait," I put my hand on Johnny's shoulder to stop him. "I don't want you to get hurt."

Johnny snorted. "Pony, if I thought Darry or Soda were dangerous in the slightest, I wouldn't sleep on your couch unannounced. Not more than once, at least."

"Okay. I just.. what if they're fighting?"

"I'm sure they're fighting. But they're both really good people. And they won't hurt each other."

"I have a confession." I squeezed my eyes shut. "I punched Soda today."

Johnny stopped and stared at me. "You didn't."

"He was saying terrible shit, Johnny. He was saying..." I got closer to Johnny and whispered, "He was saying that Darry raped me."

"You need to sort of understand where he's coming from, Pone. He just found out that your big brother, who's basically like a parent to you now, is foolin' around with you. What's he supposed to say?"

Johnny's comment upset me but I knew I had to consider what he was saying. To an outsider, it sounded terrible. It sounded fucked up. It was meant to stay behind closed doors. But it didn't. How was Soda supposed to react?

"I guess you're right."

Johnny smiled at me. "You're kinda a hot head sometimes, Pony." I swatted at him

"Hey!"

"Well, you are!" He turned around and started heading up our front steps. I watched anxiously as he opened the door a crack and then slipped inside.


End file.
